Reflection
by kyoshigurelover
Summary: Slight Deathly Hallows spoilers. Snape reflects on the worst day of his life.


**Special thanks: To Stina, for the amazing idea. J.K. Rowling, for creating the amazing character that is Snape. **

**Reflection**

**By: Lisa**

* * *

It was, to put it simply, the worst day of his life. 

He had tried to push it off of his mind for weeks, had tried so hard not to let the pain take over him. But every time he tried to think of something else, the dreaded knowledge of what was going to happen appeared into his head… the knowledge of it pierced open his heart, causing all of his life fluid to smear all over his memories, tainting them an ugly, crimson, fiery red.

James Potter and Lily Evans were going to get married.

He knew that it would happen one day. He knew ever since the first day that they met; he knew that when her eyes fell on James Potter, despite all of the dislike and contempt in her eyes, he knew that he saw something… something that she didn't have whenever she looked at him.

And why was he so surprised? Who would fall for Severus Snape, the greasy, weird, creepy kid who was an expert at Potions, when there was James Potter, the arrogant, handsome, talented man that had a great destiny ahead of him?

Although, Snape believed that he had a great destiny too… if only Lily could see the things that he had done, the tasks that he had accomplished… even though Lily never approved of the Dark Arts, Snape was damn good at them. Better than anything James Potter will ever do in his entire life, and Snape was sure of that.

How he hated James… he had ruined everything… _everything_. He had always beat him in everything… popularity, sports, grades, and most importantly… Lily. Why couldn't the stupid man fall in love with someone else? He didn't deserve her… no one deserved her, but least of all, James Potter. Did he even realize how much Snape loved her? Did he even realize that there was someone else out there that loved his wife even more than he did?

He could imagine how beautiful she looked like right now, at this very moment. He could imagine it, because, he had always imagined how she looked like at a wedding in his own dreams, only she was marrying him and not James. It was such a beautiful dream, and if the dream could somehow turn into reality, it would've been an amazing life.

He thought of her and could practically see her right next to him… her gorgeous, long red hair pulled up against her head, a few strands falling onto her face. Her slim figure hidden in the white, majestic dress, and the veil hiding her elegant, yet strong face. But the feature that he had always seen in his dreams, the feature that he absolutely loved the most…

Were her green eyes. Every time they looked into his, he felt that no spell could stun him more. He felt, for the first and only time in his life, alive… he felt like he had a reason to live. A person to take care of, and a person who would take care of him.

But… that was so long ago. That was when their childish innocence made him excited for the future, excited for what would happen. He remembered a time when he always thought that he and Lily would marry each other, and couldn't imagine anything else…

And yet, here he was. He would never have thought he wouldn't end up with Lily… the thought was unfathomable. And yet, here he was… a man who was completely alone, a man that loved a woman unconditionally, and a man who did terrible things just to atone for all of the horrible things that had happened to him when he was a boy.

In short, he was unworthy of her.

In fact, he was unworthy of anything…

Where was his life heading? What would happen now, when the love of his life clearly rejected him? Lily had been, and always will be, the reason why he got up every morning, why he bothered to live at all…

Why he bothered to live at all…

He decided, that he would end it.

He would end it all. There was no way that he could live without her by his side; live without her beautiful eyes staring back into his.

Now the only thing left to decide is how he would kill himself.

He could use old-fashioned muggle ways, and use a sharp blade or perhaps, a noose. But none of those options seemed fitting; not for the Half-blood Prince. No… he would have to die a death that was exceedingly popular nowadays, a death that would be slightly remembered.

He was going to use the Avada Kedavra spell.

He had no idea if spells could bounce off of mirrors, but damn it, he was going to try. He locked himself inside his room, wasting absolutely no time. He took out his wand, and examined it for several moments, almost in hesitation. It was his savior… the job that he thought Lily had, but that thought quickly silenced itself.

He walked up to his mirror.

There stood a tall, and slightly awkward young man. His greasy black hair fell over his face, and eyes looked like dark, black holes.

This was not Severus Snape.

Severus Snape, he mused, was supposed to be more like James Potter. He was supposed to have everything; a purpose, a dream, a will, a… girl. He had looked into the mirror on countless occasions throughout his life, times when his parents would yell over the screaming inside his own head. And what he saw were his dreams for the future…

And now, his dreams had been crushed. He never thought he would ever look at the mirror and see what he was today… a lonely, misunderstood, evil, man who had lost sight of everything somewhere…

It was time.

He pointed his wand at the mirror, never feeling more scared or braver in his entire life.

_Damn you James Potter… and… I'm going to miss you, Lily…_

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

The jet of green light poured from the wand, _green like Lily's eyes_, and Snape flinched, knowing what was soon to come, and yet wishing it to come sooner, so the cold hands of death could wash over him and he would never feel heartache or pain again –

Nothing happened. Or, rather, nothing happened to him.

The mirror crashed, into a thousand pieces, onto the hard floor. Shards of glass looked up at him, and this caused him to wince.

This was Severus Snape. His soul cut up into tiny, little, worthless pieces. Never to be whole again, all because of one woman.


End file.
